Demetri Martin Jokes - He's a writer on Late Night

Fore more go to: www.demetrimartin.com

The last one is my personal favorite:

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

If I had to describe a banana, I would use the words delicious and challenging.

I use this product called "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." Because sometimes when I'm eating toast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas. Because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live."

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see.

Whenever I try to spell banana, it makes me feel stupid. Cause I don't know when to end it. I'm like, how many nas are on this thing? Bana - keep going. Bananana - damn!

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' "Dude, these are isotopes." "Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine." "Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize."

I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone."

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside."

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Another term for "balloon" is: bad breath holder.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today."

Sometimes when something good happens to me I wait two weeks before I tell anybody, just so I can use the word "fortnight".