Demetri was on Conan again tonight...

Here's a transcript of his set: There's a store in my neighborhood called "Futon World". Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. Whenever I meet somebody who has a kid they show me a photo of their kid. But when I give them a photo of me to show to THEIR kid, I'm weird. I'm all like "Yeah that's cute, here give him this, tell him it's Demetri. And I don't know, give him my number, we'll hang out, I don't care." If you wanna get into a fight, just be curious. That's your short cut, just ask questions. "What are you looking at?" "What's your problem?" But you can't ask any question you know, 'cause it'll ruin it. You can say "Wanna step outside?", but you can't say "Wanna go for a walk?" I think a secret admirer is just a stalker with stationary. I like statues 'cause they show what great people would look like if birds crapped all over'em. Pidgeons have no sense of history. Every dance move is "the robot". If you can imagine an advanced enough robot. I was in a clothing store the other day and and the lady who worked their got mad at me. Because she asked me a question she said "What size are you?" I said "Actual". I'm not to scale. I was in Crate & Barrel, and you know what they don't have there? Crates and/or barrels. "Do you know where I can go to avoid crates and barrels?" "Yeah man, you should go to Crate & Barrel" "Thanks" If you wanna sound like a creep just add "ladies" to the end of everything you say. It could be harmless to you know what I mean, like "Yeah I was in the peace corp. for a couple years after college...LADIES" I think it's weird how "fingerpuppets" sounds okay as a noun. I think the worst place for a fire would be in the factory where they make those trick birthday candles. "Alright we're done with this one, we got it...OH CRAP! Again, alright guys everybody make a wish, let's put this one out." "Cotton Balls" is an example of something that I would buy, but not want for a nickname. "Yeah this is Leo and Eric and uh, this over here is my boy Cotton Balls." "Hey what's up, I'm Dry Everywhere". "Cinammon Buns" on the other hand, yeah I would buy that and have that as a nickname. "Hey are you Cinnamon Buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am"